A Short Remembrance of My Father on the Anniversary of His Passing

My dad was flawed, but I'm not here to talk about that.

It's taken years to come to this, to some realizations that I wished I had come to before, to understand things I had no hope of understanding as a child and maybe not even as a young woman. 

I am no longer a young woman nor am I an old woman.  I have reached some in-between place where I am not angry about the past nor scared of the future. 

And here is where I can remember my father with laughter, rueful grins and sometimes rolling eyes. 

A Smattering of Remembrances

One of my first clear memories was of my father. My mother had brought me downstairs for a glass of water at precisely the moment my father returned home from a long trip to Saudi Arabia. I yelled "Daddy!" and ran to him. I can still remember the feel of his ropy arms around me in that moment....

...the time he forgot his dentures and Mom and I had to bring them to him at work...

...the time I talked back to him on something about which I felt strongly, and he got so unbelievably mad... but later applauded me for standing up for what I believed, even if it was against him. 

... the time he hadn't finished his hamburger when it was his turn at a play-day event, so he lackadaisically walked his horse Sassy around the barrels while everyone laughed and Barb played Baby Elephant Walk over the PA. 

... my mom's joke about his car accident in France in which he hit a tree in his VW Beetle: he tried to drive Hitler's car up Napoleon's tree.

... background checks on all the boyfriends. ALL OF THEM...

...the time he saw the boy who liked me walking on the side of the road and pulled over to talk to him. According to the boy later, this is how the conversation went:
Dad (leaning over to the passenger window): Hey. Come over here.
Josh (fully aware of who this man is): Yes, sir.
Dad: (fixes Josh with steely blue stare)You were in that play with my daughter, weren't you?
Josh (gulps) Yes.
Dad (gives huge, genuine smile): I loved your character. You did a great job.
Dad drives away, satisfied that he has put the fear of God into the young man and that he can do the background check later...

... the time I befriended a stray dog at a convenience store, who ran after our truck for about a half a mile before soft-hearted Dad pulled over and let him jump in the back. He conceded that the dog was mine but insisted on naming him, and the dog was thereafter dubbed Nutsy....

These were some of the good times.

I love you, Dad. 

Let's Get Real: Why "No one understands me!" is the stupidest thing I've ever said.

"Aw, Deleva, don't be so hard on yourself! I've said it too!"

If you thought some variation of the above, then my trap has been sprung. Because you see, I have bad news.

It's the stupidest thing you've ever said, too.

No judgement meant with that. Everyone's said it, and it's also the stupidest thing they've ever said. It's a stupid fucking thing to say.

Of course no one understands you. No matter how close you are to the people in your life they will never fully understand you. Your perspective is shaped by a zillion trillion bazillion things that are unique to you. Your mind is an ocean and every experience, thought, hurt, triumph, degradation, compliment, and happy moment are drops in it. Remove one drop, just one, and it won't be the same ocean. It won't be you.

No one else has that same configuration of droplets. That's individual. Two people can go through the exact same experience, timed down to the second and it still won't really be the same experience, because your perception of it is colored by a trillion things that came before it. And those trillion things are different than the other person's trillion things. Sure, there'll be some overlap. But there will be differences too.

So no one can understand you. No one can understand me. It's not because you're deep or I'm complicated. It's just because we're individuals. And that's okay.

I revel in the idea that no one can understand me fully. There are some things that should just be mine, and mine alone. You don't need them, any more than I need yours. Sometimes I live in that solitude. And please note my wording: solitude, not loneliness. There is a difference.

I think when people crave understanding what they really seek is acceptance. I don't need to be understood. Given my above opinion there's always that voice in my head when someone says, "I understand completely!" that replies, "No you don't." But what I think they're really trying to convey is acceptance.

What I really want, what I really need, is to be accepted. I don't need you to understand everything I do. Sometimes I don't make sense, even to myself. I go to extremes. I do stupid shit that I know better than to do. I stay up too late and then get up too early. I eat cheesecake. I sometimes drink more than I should. I am embarrassingly bad at math. I forget to take my iron pills. I forget to call.

I sometimes even do good things that you might not understand. I am friends with people that maybe I shouldn't be. I forgive easily and quickly even the most hurtful wrongs. I laugh at weird things inside my head that make me look and sound crazy and do not translate to words with even half the humor I thought they would. I apologize to people for perceived wrongs, not because I think they're mad or that there will be consequences if I don't, but because I hold myself to this weird code where I will apologize if I think I've done something to wrong you even if you don't see it that way.

I do not need you to understand this. I don't expect you to understand it.

What I want is for you to say, "Okay. I don't get it. But that's okay" and just leave it there. Maybe you like it; maybe you don't. Maybe it makes you laugh; maybe it drives you up a fucking wall. But if you can accept it, we can be friends.

And what a mammoth effort it can be to set aside our own egos and not try to superimpose ourselves and those billion trillion gazillion experiences over the lives of others! But how freeing when we finally learn to do it, when we stop struggling to comprehend and just allow ourselves to be for a while and better yet, when we allow the others in our lives to just be in our presence.

It's a glorious thing, like seeing the birth of a new foal, or witnessing the actual moment that a rainbow forms, or watching a single leaf fall from a tree.

That is true friendship. That is true companionship and comradery. That freedom is the greatest thing we can give one another and it is rare, my friends.

And that is what I seek. No more. No less.

New Coffee Machine at Work- Day One

I came in to work... and there it was. The new coffee machine at work. An automated, hopper-topped machine of bliss, colorful and inviting, just sitting there, waiting for my cup.

I couldn't believe it. It was like a mirage. I tentatively reached out a reverent hand, waiting for my caffeinated Burning Bush to evaporate. But no. It was real.

It was real.

I couldn't wait to try it out! More later...

Why don't I just surf the internet? THIS IS WHY.

Tonight my roommate sent me a link for what appears to be an unusual, but clever, way to clean glasses. It seemed innocent at first, but I found myself intrigued by Amazon's other links to "unique" home items. Two of these come from Uncommon Goods, a name which I suppose should have tipped me off but is, I must say, a woeful understatement.

This is more than a trip down the rabbit hole. This is what would happen if you fell down the rabbit hole with Martha Stewart and it terminated in the House on the Rock.

1. The Busy Bee Wall Clock

At first glance, this seems whimsical and sweet. However when I clicked on the link my eyes were assaulted with the sheer... bee-ish, yellow-ish, how-the-fuck-am-I-supposed-to-tell-what-time-it-is-with this-bullshit-ness of it. Seriously, I get it. There are markers for where some of the hours are, but one is left with absolutely zero desire to have this abortion of home decor in your eyeholes long enough to figure it out. Damn it, usually when I'm looking at the clock it's because my inner (if imprecise) clock has told me I'm late and I want to know what time it is quickly. I don't want to search for it like a mouse trying to find the cheese in the maze. After about ten seconds, fuck it, it's bee o'clock. ALWAYS.

On the bright side, while I was searching for something that my eyeballs could use to commit ritual seppuku, I located...

2. The Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Do you need to file your nails? Need to find out how the tread in your tires is doing? Do you need something to fling at Goliath's head? Need a swiss army knife that's fucking bigger than Switzerland? This thing has as many potential jokes as it does tools, and it's hard to pinpoint just a couple to spotlight. However, a couple of hilarious bits from the description did catch my eye. For one thing, it has a key ring. This allows the knife to double as a lock pick, because all you have to do is stick the key in the lock, let go, and let the sheer weight of the Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Giant tear your door a new asshole. Because fuck your doorknob. Who needs it?

Secondly, it boasts, "87 implements for almost any situation." Well, naturally, I mean- wait. What? Almost? Almost? This bitch should be able to change the lightbulbs, mine for gold, fuck a supermodel and put a polish on the script for the Avatar sequel. There should be no almost. 

At least so I thought, until I saw this one thing that the Wenger couldn't do.... It couldn't make these... 

3. The Pizza Cone Kit

The other day, as I was eating some delicious Round Table pizza, I thought to myself, "Man alive, I sure do love me some pizza. I just wish it were more... ergonomic." Then I discovered the Pizza Cone! Brilliant! I mean, sure, I have to change my shirt three times because of the pizza-slop dripping out of the cone after the first bite, until I get sick of the cheese burns on my chest and simply slurp 95% of it in about 10 seconds like a scorching-hot greaseshake with olives. They boast, "Easy to grab," but when it comes to "easy to eat" or even "reasonable difficulty to reward ratio", the menu is blank. 

And apropos of nothing, their food stylist should be fired: those olives look like they're mired in Elmer's glue. 

And the preceding is what happens when I start looking at Amazon. And you wonder why I don't just surf the internet more... 

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

Now and then, for reasons unclear to me, I just short circuit for a couple days. Some part of my brain that is vital for basic, day-to-day functions dons its dancing shoes and does the hokey-pokey into the merry old land of Oz for a little fiesta, unforgivably leaving the rest of me here to deal with the weird looks from those who witness my scatterbrained wackiness. I fall short of actual hallucinations but I have these moments where the world just ceases to make sense to me; either that or it makes perfect sense to me but only to me (which is, it has to be said, not better). I frequently refer to these as “purse in the fridge, milk in the closet” days… take a guess why that is. Yup, good guess. I actually did that once.   I was going through such a phase last week and it’s kind of hilarious. Brief back-story for later: the last time I ran the dishwasher a plastic water bottle lid fell down and melted on the element, causing the entire load of dishes to wind up smelling like burnt plastic, including the water bottle I use at work. I hand washed the water bottle though and it no longer smiled like burnt plastic and I was happy. Remember this story for later. On Sunday, I was driving to the store and a bee was buzzing around my window while stopped at a stop light. The windows were up and for some reason I reached out to lock my car door. Wait, it gets better. I stopped before actually locking the door and laughed at myself, thinking, “What did I think was going to happen? Worst case, it would sting me! I’m not allergic. Silly Deleva!” Yeah, that’s right. I laughed at myself, but not because bees can’t open fucking car doors no matter how locked they aren’t. I didn’t laugh at myself because it was just a bee, as opposed to something that should really provoke me to need to protect myself, like John Malkovich with a hatchet and blood under his fingernails. No. I laughed because the bee, once it had it Hulked its way into my car like a deranged, mutated horror movie superbee, it could only harm me a little bit. Then Tuesday was the piece de resistance. The whole morning was fail on a level with this guy.

And it was sneaky fail, too. I had been failing for hours before I even noticed. Either that or the cranial hiccup that was making me fail in the first place was also making me oblivious (which is much more likely). I finally began to notice the proverbial toilet paper stuck to my shoe when I was in the checkout at the grocery store.

I stopped by Freddie’s to grab something for breakfast and lunch as well as some stuff like shampoo and conditioner. Keep in mind that I am, at this point, still unaware of the fail. I went to the correct aisle and reached for my conditioner of choice. As I did so, I thought to myself, “Make sure to grab the conditioner not the shampoo. The bottles look alike so be sure to grab the right one.” I grabbed the bottle and moved on. I then went to the frozen foods aisle and grabbed what I wanted for lunch and breakfast. A box fell out of the freezer and I picked it up and put it back in, and moved on with my so far delightful shopping experience. At least three employees stopped and asked me if I needed help with anything. I thought it odd at the time as, while the employees at this store are always nice, they’re not usually so solicitous. I now suspect they probably perceived a helpless vacancy to my expression of which I was unaware.

So I did the self check out and began ringing up my items. When I went to scan the conditioner, I noticed that it wasn’t fucking conditioner. It was shampoo. Apparently in the two seconds between me reminding myself to grab the right fucking thing and actually putting my hands on the item, I completely forgot my own reminder. Feeling too lazy to cancel my order and go back to get the right thing I just set it aside and told the attendant. Having fulfilled my whole shopping list though, I felt confident that I had everything else I needed, the more fool I. So I made my way to work and unpacked the items from my lunch bag.
No breakfast.

I went back out to check in my car to see if it had just fallen out of the bag. It had not. It had, apparently, never made it into the bag. I recalled the fallen item in the freezer section and came to this conclusion: the box that had dropped had been the item I wanted. So I essentially selected the item, put it in my cart, must have missed the cart and dropped it on the floor, picked it up and put it right back on the shelf. So… no breakfast for me. Luckily I had a smoothie I had prepared the night before full of delicious fruit and wonderfulness.

I had, of course, forgotten the straw I use for the smoothie. Not a disaster but it certainly makes less of a mess if I have the straw.

Then, having a couple extra minutes before my shift started, I reached for my Kindle. Yup. You guessed it. I forgot my Kindle at home. I barely go to the grocery store without my Kindle and here I was, sans reading material.

*sigh*

So remember the whole water bottle smelling like burnt plastic story? Wanna know how that turned out? Dying to know where I was going with that, aren’t you? So the final straw was when I went to take a sip of water (after discovering I had no breakfast, no conditioner, no straw and no Kindle) only to discover that my water bottle now tasted like lemony burnt plastic. Now naturally after all this it was hard not to speculate that something might not be entirely right. I blame it on lack of sleep. But then I began to question just about everything I did throughout the day and especially things I saw. To say I was anal retentive about things is a similar understatement to "the ocean is mildly damp." And being that anal retentive in that state brought me about to the level of awareness I usually have when I'm fully rested... which leaves a lot to be desired. I'm reasonably smart but in an absentminded way, so observant isn't really my best thing.

So... that night, when I got into my car to go home and turned on my headlights to see a small rodent of some kind desperately and hilariously (and unsuccessfully) scrambling to get over the curb directly in front of me, I had a "moment." Was I really seeing this or was this another pink frog incident? I mean this poor critter (I'm thinking a vole or a shrew maybe) was really working it, like getting to the other side of that curb was the difference between life and death (which it might have been as far as it was concerned. As deep down as my brain can get I still don't pretend to know how voles think). It was hopping and scrambling, and since it wasn't actually being hurt in any way, I felt perfectly free to laugh my ass off at it because it was, to my addled brain, outrageously funny. A few minutes of laughter later and I decided that I didn't really care whether or not it was real. If my brain was creating its own reality at least it was a funny reality and I can deal with that.

Strangely, despite all of this, I was in oddly good spirits. But then, you know how sometimes stupid people are frequently really really happy? I think that’s why. I was just oblivious to my own discomfort, or too tired to realize how miserable I should be.

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

If you have survived this wonderful, dreadful world long enough to get past the point of life where pooping your pants is socially acceptable, chances are you have seen someone you know go completely yumpy. I'm not talking about drinking too much in Atlantic City (the insanity inherent in going to Atlantic City notwithstanding), and stuffing more than the normal amount of dollar bills in more than the normal amount of strippers' panties. I'm talking totally pants-on-your head, I-know-what-math-tastes-like crazy.

If it was someone you knew well or for a long time, maybe at first you turned a blind eye. You assumed they were just going through a rough patch and it would get better soon.  I mean, you're a good friend so you probably waited on the sidelines, keeping a weather eye on them, ready to jump up and stop them from fucking anything/anyone they shouldn't, or from blowing all their money on that awesome investment they heard about from some guy in a pub called the Untrustworthy Cur or similar. But for the most part, at least at first, you just waited, expecting it to all work itself out with time.

But no doubt there eventually came a moment when they did something so unusual that you went, "Oh shit.  Bitch be trippin'." I've had more than a few of these in my life.

Tonight I had another, but it was different from the one's I've experienced before. I had this experience... with myself.

Now, considering that the world is veritably littered with sharp and shiny ways to do-si-do off the deep end and take everyone you know with you, what I did was pretty mellow and below the radar and I'm thankful for that.  In fact, I think most people wouldn't bat an eyelash at it. No one got hurt, no friendships were ended, I don't even think I hurt anyone's feelings. Really, it was more how I did what I did rather than what I actually did.

But it was so completely out of sorts with my own perception of myself that it made me pause.

See, I spoke out of anger. I rarely do this unless pushed, and I mean really pushed. The person who's talking to me really really has to want me to blow up in their face. :) They learn their lesson about that real quick.  It usually takes a lot to make me angry in the first damn place and when I do, I usually clam up and shut down so that I don't say or do anything I'll regret. Then once I've calmed down, I re-evaluate the situation and decide if I want to say something to the person, which I am then in a position to do calmly and rationally. I usually also decide to say nothing because I'm a pick-my- battles sort of person and I usually deem that it's not worth saying anything, especially when I know that the person didn't do whatever it was intentionally (as was the case here). So the fact that this particular trigger set me off... weird.  It's a signal that something isn't quite right with me.

And sadly, I think it goes back a while. I'm not the person I used to be.  I pride myself on being low-maintenance and easy going. I like being that way. Do I sometimes feel as though people take advantage of that?  Sure. But it comes with the territory.  It's the risk you run anytime you are a certain way: someone will take advantage of it. But you have to go on a case by case basis and take other things into consideration before getting upset.  I usually do. Last night I didn't, and that's really bothering me. And this isn't the first time it's happened.

Things just don't slide off my back like they used to. I get upset easily. I'm snappy, and not in that "quick, witty comeback" kind of way.  There are probably people here at my work who actually think I'm not a very nice person, and that is a hard thing to face.

Because generally, I am a really nice person! I'm positive, upbeat, I hate seeing people in turmoil and try to make them feel better.... And I like me that way!  It's always made me feel really good to be that nice person that (not to toot my own horn here) everyone seems to like. I really don't want to lose that.

The problem is, I don't know what the problem is.  :) I've got some stressors in my life of course; who doesn't? But I've been through worse than right now.  Much worse. The last twelve years have been... not always so great. Death, murder, suicide (not kidding about those), sickness, numerous health problems of my own, losing my job, bad times in marriage and friendships, a move I really didn't want to make, plus all the good stressors: new projects, forming new friendships, changing jobs to one I really enjoy. Comparatively, things right now aren't that bad.

I just don't know, though I have theories. The last few years have been bad in ways that might wind up building up a little, so I feel like my armor's been chipped away some. My reserves of tolerance and happiness have been depleted.  :) Maybe I just need to recharge my batteries or something,  but I think part of that might have to involve a few visits to a therapist... That, now that I think about it, might be long overdue.

I know that this post has been less than positive, and I apologize about that. I try to keep it upbeat here, so if you've gotten this far, thanks.  Here's a funny picture of Queen Elizabeth the First's carton of milk as a reward.

Firefly Panel at Comic Con 2012

Okay, so I know a lot of you have been waiting for these details, and I'm sorry it's taken so long. I needed a vacation from my vacation after I got back and it's been go go go! ever since.  Or so it seems over here.

Anyway, first of all I feel like I should guilt you all mercilessly inform you all, guilt trip free, that I walked probably a mile through the San Diego Convention Center and stood in line for 5 hours and sat through a panel I had no interest in to get to this one. 

AND IT WAS WORTH EVERY MINUTE.

Even standing in line was worth it because they were filming extra bits for the Firefly Ten Year Reunion DVD, and someone who shall remain nameless (BUT IT WAS ME ME ME ME ME!) was filmed not once but twice for said DVD.  No guaruntee my footage will make it on there, but my fingers are crossed (I think the Browncoat costume might have tipped them off as to what panel I was standing in line for).

Yes, folks, just sitting in the same room with those people was amazing.  The grueling horrible details of what I went through to get into this panel will be detailed in a more realistic but slightly less effervescent post on the whole con experience.

Anyway, to start off, it was not the whole cast.  I was kinda sad about that to be honest. The panel consisted of Jose Molina, Tim Minear, Alan Tudyk, Nathan Fillion, Summer Glau, Sean Maher, Adam Baldwin and of course, Joss Whedon. At the very beginning the moderator said something along the lines of, "I had a whole long speech prepared about the importance of Firefly but I think you know it (at which point everyone cheered like nuts)... so let's just get on with it."

He introduced Molina and Minear without a lot of fanfare, but then said, "This actor wanted to be introduced as bounty hunter and sandwich maker, but you know him better as 'a leaf on the wind.'"  And the crowd went wild.  :)  Kelly Blackler, I screamed extra special loud to cover both of us!  For those who might not know, I have a super huge little girl crush on Alan Tudyk.  He's cuter than a monkey with a puppy. I actually can't remember how Fillion was introduced but I think it might have been as Captain Tightpants. Summer Glau didn't get a funny tagline, Sean Maher was introduced as "a good doctor, a better brother."  Then the moderator said, "This is the audience participation part of the panel:  The hero of Canton, the man they call....." And of course we all shrieked out, "JAYNE!" Then, once the prodigious screaming had at least slowed down a bit, they introduced the man himself, Joss Whedon who took a seat between Summer and Nathan.

Then there was another long pause while they waited for the screaming to stop once again. Eventually the moderator said, "Okay, sit down we have stuff to do!" At which point the entire panel got up and made to walk offstage.  Laughter naturally ensued!

On the first question, the moderator asked Joss Whedon what it meant to be here on the tenth anniversary of this show.  He made a couple jokes at first, then went on to say that they knew from the very beginning that they were doing everything right.  He said he had the best cast he'd ever worked with... "and we also had Alan."  :)  Then he said something I thought was really amazing. I don't think I have it down exactly, but the gist was, "This goes beyond vindication, that came long ago. This goes to a place of transcendance that I can't describe without crying like a girlie man."

The moderator then asks Nathan Fillion the same thing, and he said that if he managed to get through it without crying it would look a lot cooler.  He went on to describe how Joss Whedon was the only one who'd take a chance on him playing a leading role and launching his career.

They talk about the episode with the heist on Ariel and call Simon "the Danny Ocean of Imperial hospital heists."

The next question was one of my favorite moments.The moderator goes on a bit about how much fun they were obviously having and asks Nathan what it was like while filming episodes. Nathan starts a little and says, clearly startled, "Oh who me?  Um... I'm glad you asked that.... I can't help but think... I should have been paying more attention to the question." Alan Tudyk then fields the question for him as he had been paying attention.  He tells a story about how when filming first began Nathan came up to a big bunch of people and said, "Okay we're learning everyone names.  You're Alan, you're Tim, you're Brian.  It's a game and I'm winning." Then walked off.  So it did become a game and apparently solidified everyone and even helped to eliminate the natural splitting off of cast from crew. I'm not very Grinch-like but my heart grew three sizes that day. :)

Next they showed the clip of Jayne getting that insanely wonderful hat from his mother and they asked about how much input Adam Baldwin had in that. He worked a lot with the props people he said and then went on to describe the hat as a "goldmine" and a "birthday cake in a wasteland." It was fun to see a man who usually plays such reticent characters get all excited about his hat and that he'd contributed to that part of the history. He then asked a trivia question that I can't remember and offered the hat he had on stage with him as the prize.  :)  Awesome prize...

The next question they ask Joss is regarding casting. Summer turns to him and says, "You can't change your mind now, I already did it." Joss replied that he could if George Lucas could and Summer laughed and gave him an appalled look.  He shrugged and said, "I'm not saying we've had a meeting about it or anything...."

Joss also said that while he was grateful to have there the people who were there, it broke his heart that some of the cast couldn't be there.  And not just so they could experience the reunion but also beacuse he missed them so much.  He said Jewel Stait made him cry and Gina Torres was the most badass woman he'd ever met. 

The moderator asked why Nathan Fillion was the perfect captain for Serenity. He revealed that there was never a time when he didn't consider Nathan the Captain.

During the fan questions, someone asked what their favorite piece of fan art or fiction was.  Not sure this actually counts, but Joss said that his favorite was a picture that Alan Tudyk commissioned from his sister. It was when they found out that Firefly was being cancelled, and he asked his sister to paint a picture of Joss protecting a real firefly in a jar from "evil Fox executives" who were apparently just a bunch of hanging suits.

Another fan asked (and I thought this was a great question), "Do you all feel just proud of what you did or do you sometimes think 'where were all these screaming fans ten years ago?'" Joss said that he loved it when people apologized to him for not watching Firefly until it was out on DVD.  His response is, "You're apologizing because you didn't see it until I got paid for it? You had to buy it from me?  GODDAMN YOU." Then went on to say that the 27 people who saw it when it aired loved it. 

And now we come to probably my favorite moment in the whole panel. I can't remember it exactly but Nathan said that when Firefly "died" he thought it was the worst thing that could have happened.  But now, looking out at all the fans at the reunion, he realized that the worst thing would be if it had stayed dead. Joss asked the audience to please Tweet that he said that.  :)

The next fan asked if they had ever camped out all night for anything and what it was.  Joss replied, "Camping." I love that man's sense of humor.

There were a lot of good fan questions, but I think this was the best: "If you'd known there'd only be one season of Firefly, how would the ending of the show have differed from Serenity?" One of the things he said was that he wouldn't have killed anyone.  Alan Tudyk raised his arms triumphantly.  :)

Now things were beginning to wind down on the panel and the moderator asked one final question:  "Joss, the phrase 'we're still flying' has become a mantra for the fans. What do the fans mean to you?" There's a long pause and a few sighs while he chokes up and tries to gather himself.  Then there's a huge wave of fans (myself included) screaming out, "We love you, Joss!" which I suspect did nothing for his composure.  Then came the standing ovation, first from the audience, then from the cast and crew members on stage. Once he is able to speak, his response (paraphrased of course) is to say that the way the fans have inhabited the world he created makes it real and when he gets with the fans, he doesn't think he's part of the show... he doesn't think there's a show, it feels real.

I think the thing I loved best about this panel was that in all felt very genuine. There was no one there who appeared to be not having fun, or gave the impression they were there only under obligation.  In every panel it always feels like there's one who just isn't feeling it, and that was not the case here. It was all very warm and sincere, just as you might hope it'd be.  :)  Whenever I do something like this I'm always afraid that I'm going to walk away with my wide-eyed idealism shattered, but this time, there was no heartbreak in sight.  It was absolutely a delight and well worth the time I put into it. 

There are bits I've left out I'm sure, because I forgot. Can't remember everything I'm afraid, and I was a bit far away so I didn't get as many good pics as I might have liked. But here's one of the good ones.