Tonight my roommate sent me a link for what appears to be an unusual, but clever, way to clean glasses. It seemed innocent at first, but I found myself intrigued by Amazon's other links to "unique" home items. Two of these come from Uncommon Goods, a name which I suppose should have tipped me off but is, I must say, a woeful understatement.
This is more than a trip down the rabbit hole. This is what would happen if you fell down the rabbit hole with Martha Stewart and it terminated in the House on the Rock.
1. The Busy Bee Wall Clock
At first glance, this seems whimsical and sweet. However when I clicked on the link my eyes were assaulted with the sheer... bee-ish, yellow-ish, how-the-fuck-am-I-supposed-to-tell-what-time-it-is-with this-bullshit-ness of it. Seriously, I get it. There are markers for where some of the hours are, but one is left with absolutely zero desire to have this abortion of home decor in your eyeholes long enough to figure it out. Damn it, usually when I'm looking at the clock it's because my inner (if imprecise) clock has told me I'm late and I want to know what time it is quickly. I don't want to search for it like a mouse trying to find the cheese in the maze. After about ten seconds, fuck it, it's bee o'clock. ALWAYS.
On the bright side, while I was searching for something that my eyeballs could use to commit ritual seppuku, I located...
2. The Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Do you need to file your nails? Need to find out how the tread in your tires is doing? Do you need something to fling at Goliath's head? Need a swiss army knife that's fucking bigger than Switzerland? This thing has as many potential jokes as it does tools, and it's hard to pinpoint just a couple to spotlight. However, a couple of hilarious bits from the description did catch my eye. For one thing, it has a key ring. This allows the knife to double as a lock pick, because all you have to do is stick the key in the lock, let go, and let the sheer weight of the Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Giant tear your door a new asshole. Because fuck your doorknob. Who needs it?
Secondly, it boasts, "87 implements for almost any situation." Well, naturally, I mean- wait. What? Almost? Almost? This bitch should be able to change the lightbulbs, mine for gold, fuck a supermodel and put a polish on the script for the Avatar sequel. There should be no almost.
At least so I thought, until I saw this one thing that the Wenger couldn't do.... It couldn't make these...
3. The Pizza Cone Kit
The other day, as I was eating some delicious Round Table pizza, I thought to myself, "Man alive, I sure do love me some pizza. I just wish it were more... ergonomic." Then I discovered the Pizza Cone! Brilliant! I mean, sure, I have to change my shirt three times because of the pizza-slop dripping out of the cone after the first bite, until I get sick of the cheese burns on my chest and simply slurp 95% of it in about 10 seconds like a scorching-hot greaseshake with olives. They boast, "Easy to grab," but when it comes to "easy to eat" or even "reasonable difficulty to reward ratio", the menu is blank.
And apropos of nothing, their food stylist should be fired: those olives look like they're mired in Elmer's glue.
And the preceding is what happens when I start looking at Amazon. And you wonder why I don't just surf the internet more...
