If it was someone you knew well or for a long time, maybe at first you turned a blind eye. You assumed they were just going through a rough patch and it would get better soon. I mean, you're a good friend so you probably waited on the sidelines, keeping a weather eye on them, ready to jump up and stop them from fucking anything/anyone they shouldn't, or from blowing all their money on that awesome investment they heard about from some guy in a pub called the Untrustworthy Cur or similar. But for the most part, at least at first, you just waited, expecting it to all work itself out with time.
But no doubt there eventually came a moment when they did something so unusual that you went, "Oh shit. Bitch be trippin'." I've had more than a few of these in my life.
Tonight I had another, but it was different from the one's I've experienced before. I had this experience... with myself.
Now, considering that the world is veritably littered with sharp and shiny ways to do-si-do off the deep end and take everyone you know with you, what I did was pretty mellow and below the radar and I'm thankful for that. In fact, I think most people wouldn't bat an eyelash at it. No one got hurt, no friendships were ended, I don't even think I hurt anyone's feelings. Really, it was more how I did what I did rather than what I actually did.
But it was so completely out of sorts with my own perception of myself that it made me pause.
See, I spoke out of anger. I rarely do this unless pushed, and I mean really pushed. The person who's talking to me really really has to want me to blow up in their face. :) They learn their lesson about that real quick. It usually takes a lot to make me angry in the first damn place and when I do, I usually clam up and shut down so that I don't say or do anything I'll regret. Then once I've calmed down, I re-evaluate the situation and decide if I want to say something to the person, which I am then in a position to do calmly and rationally. I usually also decide to say nothing because I'm a pick-my- battles sort of person and I usually deem that it's not worth saying anything, especially when I know that the person didn't do whatever it was intentionally (as was the case here). So the fact that this particular trigger set me off... weird. It's a signal that something isn't quite right with me.
And sadly, I think it goes back a while. I'm not the person I used to be. I pride myself on being low-maintenance and easy going. I like being that way. Do I sometimes feel as though people take advantage of that? Sure. But it comes with the territory. It's the risk you run anytime you are a certain way: someone will take advantage of it. But you have to go on a case by case basis and take other things into consideration before getting upset. I usually do. Last night I didn't, and that's really bothering me. And this isn't the first time it's happened.
Things just don't slide off my back like they used to. I get upset easily. I'm snappy, and not in that "quick, witty comeback" kind of way. There are probably people here at my work who actually think I'm not a very nice person, and that is a hard thing to face.
Because generally, I am a really nice person! I'm positive, upbeat, I hate seeing people in turmoil and try to make them feel better.... And I like me that way! It's always made me feel really good to be that nice person that (not to toot my own horn here) everyone seems to like. I really don't want to lose that.
The problem is, I don't know what the problem is. :) I've got some stressors in my life of course; who doesn't? But I've been through worse than right now. Much worse. The last twelve years have been... not always so great. Death, murder, suicide (not kidding about those), sickness, numerous health problems of my own, losing my job, bad times in marriage and friendships, a move I really didn't want to make, plus all the good stressors: new projects, forming new friendships, changing jobs to one I really enjoy. Comparatively, things right now aren't that bad.
I just don't know, though I have theories. The last few years have been bad in ways that might wind up building up a little, so I feel like my armor's been chipped away some. My reserves of tolerance and happiness have been depleted. :) Maybe I just need to recharge my batteries or something, but I think part of that might have to involve a few visits to a therapist... That, now that I think about it, might be long overdue.
I know that this post has been less than positive, and I apologize about that. I try to keep it upbeat here, so if you've gotten this far, thanks. Here's a funny picture of Queen Elizabeth the First's carton of milk as a reward.
