.... because you might get it. And I really mean 'get it.'
So... I have recently been told that I need to be more assertive.
This... is a problem for me, but not because I'm meek. In fact, the problem is quite the opposite. It's very easy for me to start out being "assertive" and wind up being "dictatorial fuckdonkey."
I have tried very very hard to not be that person. I don't really like me when I'm that person, but I have to smash the urges to be that way almost every day. Everytime someone says something even vaguely complimentary, like "Hey Del, good job", I want to stand on top of a mountain and scream, "THAT'S RIGHT WORLD! SUCK ON MY AWESOMENESS! I WIN ALWAYS!" Seriously. Not really kidding about that.
This is why I rarely say anything nice about myself without putting a caveat on it. This is mostly for my own benefit so that I remind myself that while I do have good traits, they are mitigated by a lot of bad ones too. No more so, I don't think, than anyone else, but if I let myself get carried away I will start thinking I have fewer than everyone else.
This is why I will take control of a situation, but only after everyone else has been given a chance and has failed to do so, even though my first instinct is to jump on, grab the reins and steer the bucking bronco of responsibility where I want it to go.
This is why I make a concerted effort to not "get too big for my britches" as Grandma used to say. I recently set up a new Facebook author page for myself, and instead of putting "writer and editor" I put "aspiring writer and editor" out of force of habit.
It's a dangerous road to head down, telling me to be more assertive. I'm like Jekyll and Hyde. On the outside I am confident and capable, but quietly so. On the inside I am a despotic inferno of domineering, vainglorious self-indulgence. On the inside, I am so cocky my hair struts. Do not hand me the world, because I will take it.
Having someone else encourage me to be more assertive gives me one more reason to let myself off the leash, to finally let loose the autocratic, selfish tzarina that lives inside me, Hyde-like, just waiting to come out and thwack someone with her scepter (which I picture as being encrusted with jewels and the fossilized self-esteem of lesser mortals).
But... the person telling me this is not wrong. I do need to be more assertive, and I need to be more out in the world. See, I want to try to get my writing career going and I'm not going to do that by hiding my inner princess. But she does still need to be moderated or I could get carried away (and by carried away, I mean on a palanquin with silk cushions, carried by scantily clad clones of Steve Vai, sipping chilled ambrosia while my Rottweiler, named "Precious" or "JuJu" or something, eats the most recent people who have displeased me).
Okay, it's not really that bad, but honestly, I do need to watch my ego. It will be very easy for me to start thinking wayyyyyyyy too much of myself.
